Dreaming of where I am

I am 46 years old and I am just now learning to be happy with where I am now, doing what I am doing now and knowing what I know now. Every year I make a manifestation collage of places I want to visit, things I want to accomplish, dreams I want to come true. It is a wonderful thing…it really is. It keeps hope alive and gives me something to focus on, hanging directly across from my bed. Last year every single cut out photo symbolizing a desired manifestation came true in some form or another. It wasn’t always as I had intended but it was curiously amusing how many different ways one thing can manifest. Something for another blog entry. I kept a close eye on the board this year, just to see what it was developing. For about 2 weeks it looked as though a long held and highly cherished dream of mine that has monopolized a large part of my collages for years was about to come true. In fact the reality of it matched the magazine cut out almost perfectly.

I have long cherished the dream of having an artist’s retreat, where fellow creatives can come and retreat and/or hold workshops, educate and share their wealth of information. I envisioned sitting at a long table with a diverse group of people sharing food and drink under a deeply dark starry sky. A place, ideal for this setting came open in Costa Rica. It was so close to a realization for me that I could taste the rain forest mist in my mouth and hear the hummingbirds outside the windows of the restaurant. I slept, ate, and breathed arrangements for this to manifest. I researched all there was to to know about moving, living and thriving in Costa Rica. The deeper I delved into what the reality of living there meant to me, the more parts of myself I had to examine and bring into light for the answers. It was a wonderful assessment of what “I” really want. Something that I just hadn’t done in quite awhile and now had the catalyst to do it.

I realized that I want my family around me. I love my children. And not just because they are MY children. I like their minds, their company and their energy. They really aren’t children anymore and I would use the word “offspring” but it sounds really stiff. My daughter is married and due to have my first granddaughter in December. My son is 18 and still lives at home but travels often with his skate team. I invited them to come with me on this dream journey. They all gave it fair consideration but ended up declining the offer. This was a blow.

I have always clung to my dreams and felt that the worst possible thing to ever happen to someone is not death but giving up on your dreams. It was a fate worse than death. I went through a range of emotions likened to grief. I was grieving the death of a dream that had been my companion for a very long time. It was a dark couple of weeks and I felt hopelessness creep in. A type of resignation set in that I wasn’t comfortable with. I have a friend who I text with daily and we have surprisingly long and deep conversations by text in the middle of work days. While I was processing this loss he asked me in his characteristic way, “what is stopping you from going?” Up until this point I had been focusing on this decision before me, of whether I go without my children or stay without my dream. It had become all consuming like something does when you give it that much power over you. I had blinders on and could not see anything peripheral  My friend has this way of pointing out what should be the obvious to me and it helps me see things clearly. He and I could quite possibly solve all the world problems if we ever had time to talk face to face!

The light bulb moment was that perhaps real happiness is being happy with where you are and with what you are doing at the present time. I  realized that what makes me happy is my children, my family and my friends. I would be unhappy to live far from them and only see them occasionally. That made me think about the fact that I have that…here and now. Then I began looking back through my past and realized that I had always been on the move and when not on the move, I was thinking or planning of being on the move. My happiness was over there…always. I almost missed it. I almost missed what makes me truly happy because it is right here under my nose, within my arms reach and right now. I think I may have set up this precedent long ago and it became a pattern. When I was a child, I was a dreamer and due to my chaotic homelife I always wanted to be somewhere else. Reading books helped with that need to be somewhere else and then as soon as I could, I left home and I kept going. One home to the next. One life to the next.

The feeling of grief was replaced with peace and a deep sense of happiness at feeling like I belonged to myself at last.  Not attached to a place or surroundings. I belong to my present wherever my body, mind and spirit are at physically.  I don’t feel like anything was lost. I feel like something valuable was gained. I can be happy where I am right now, doing what I am doing and I can still dream of doing all of the things on my manifestation collage. I can do them from where I am. As another wise friend told me, “do it from here, have an artist’s retreat for a weekend once a year, then get bigger and let it unfold.” Dreams do come true, in the most amazingly unpredictable ways. Keep on dreaming everyone.

The beautiful Poas Lodge is still for sale in Costa Rica.  It is a wonderful dream and I will visit!  Follow this link http://www.businessesforsale.com/Poas-Volcano-Property-With-Successful-Lodge-And-Restaurant-For-Sale.aspx

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